What Happened to Tending and Befriending?

In doing research on stress I learned that women have been known to use another strategy for managing their stress called 'tend and befriend.' The problem with our fast paced 21st century lifestyle is that it does not lend itself to taking time for ourselves to have those oxytocin triggering 'tend and befriend' interactions with other 'safe' women. Is this lack of nurturing each other part of what makes women say they feel so alone? Could this be part of what is contributing to the 'stress fat' around our middles? Maybe it is a reflection of what is 'eating us' that we have no way to let go of?

Shelley Taylor, Ph.D. at the University of California along with her colleagues began to realize that much of the research that has been done on stress was mostly done on males. They wondered if there would be any differences between the sexes on dealing with stress. They went through multiple studies over the last 30 years raging from rats to monkeys to humans in diverse cultures. They found that compared to males, females didn’t seem to show the same aggression nor had the same level of fear-related behaviors. They did find that both sexes shared the fight or flight capabilities, but females tended to use them less.

In the late 1990’s studies by psychologist Rena Repetti showed that though men and women both have hard days at work, women were more nurturing toward their children while men were more withdrawn. It has been shown through many studies that females across cultures tend to ‘befriend’ or affiliate with other females, mostly with family or familiar women. This tendency appears to increase during times of stress when women provide help, support and encouragement to one another.

Taylor along with Laura Klein and others speculate that women may have developed this different system for coping with stress because of being the primary caregivers of children. Under stressful conditions the ‘tend and befriend’ pattern may keep the caregiver focused on protection of their children as well as seeking assistance. Safety in numbers it could trigger the calming oxytocin chemical for those seeking help as well as those giving it.

Women have increased their workday over the last few decades as more women have to work to help the family stay financially afloat. Whether a part-time job or a career our busy scheduled don’t allow time for women’s sharing. More women are in the sandwich generation: caring for aging parents as well as husbands and children. In the business world we have to be competitive to work our way up the ladder of success. First we had to be better than our male counterparts to be ‘good enough.’ Then we had to compete with those we would normally have ‘shared’ with, sought counsel from or confided in. You can’t do those things with the ‘enemy.’

We’ve been like frogs in a pot of cold water. Someone turned on the heat and we have been slowly moving to our boiling point of no return. The number one killer of women is heart disease. It is no longer a theory: Long-term ongoing uninterrupted stress contributes to the majority of doctor visits and lack of integrating life’s experiences so we can create resilience and return to joy.

Between work, taxi service, homework, cleaning, cooking, trying to keep up with who knows who, there is no time to sit back, relax and have a leisurely lunch and heart-to-heart; woman-to-woman chat.

We know that when we don’t manage our stress fat is stored in our bodies around our middle and our core organs. Recently I went to lunch with my husband (a rare happening). While waiting for my salad (yes a salad) I noticed several very young ladies wearing skimpy tops that didn’t cover their midriff. There in plain sight for all to see was belly fat hanging over their belted jeans. I got more curious and looked around on purpose. I was shocked to see girls 20-30 years younger than me who were way beyond pinching an inch. I’ve decided that my belly fat isn’t because of my age. It is because I have let stress and my confused and distorted thinking that comes with it talk me out of what I need to do to self-care.

I’m now determined to calm my stress and diminish my stinking thinking that has been telling me I have to look like this because:

1. you are getting older and it comes with age

2. the women in your family look like this

3. your are too busy to exercise

4. it is easier to get junk food

5. you don’t have time to eat

6. old women don’t stay toned

7. you should just think your way thin

8. who cares

9. you’ve worked hard all day, you need to rest

10. you can’t get it off

Beliefs are powerful but they are transformable. It is time to love myself enough to say:

1. you deserve to feel good in your body

2. genes do not have to determine how I look; it’s environment

3. fitting exercise in to each day will become as easy as brushing my teeth

4. it is easy to eat this apple

5. health eating and friends go together

6. toning is ageless

7. I do what I need to do to be healthy

8. I care about living a healthy long contributing life

9. After a hard day at work yoga helps me relax

10. I release and maintain a healthy body, because I say so.

Check out what your stinking thinking is saying that keeps you from self-care; then talk back. It is spring and time to plant seeds in the soil of self-care.